Filial Therapy

One of my favorite ways to support families is through filial therapy. What is filial therapy?

Filial Therapy is a research-based, approach that teaches parents how to use some of the same skills that play therapists use to help children. Research shows that motivated parents can be as effective as a professional in helping their child.

Typically, Filial Therapy is most beneficial for children ages 3 - 12. However, many children as young as 2 years of age and up to 13 can benefit from Filial Therapy. A modified form of filial therapy can be used with infants and toddlers. Filial Therapy is beneficial for both the parent and the child.

The following concerns can be addressed with filial therapy:

• Preparing for or after the arrival of a new sibling
• Reconnecting with a parent experiencing postpartum depression/anxiety
• Attachment related difficulties in biological/foster/adoptive families
• Depression, sadness, moodiness
• Grief & loss
• Moving
• Divorce
• Aggressive behaviors
• Excessively worries, anxiety, or separation issues
• Traumatic stress from events such as accidents, witnessing violence, abuse or a natural disaster
• Self-esteem or identity problems
• Nightmares/night terrors
• Needing to be center of attention
• School related difficulties
• Social issues

Goals and Benefits of Filial Therapy:

• Strengthened relationship with your child
• Develop a deeper understanding of your child
• Your child learns and understand their feelings
• You and your child learn to express feelings and communicate in healthy ways
• You and your child develop new problem solving skills
• Reduce or eliminate challenging behaviors
• Your child will feel heard and understood
• Your child can work through troubling issues
• Increased trust between you and your child
• Increased self-confidence and self-worth for your child
• It can increase your confidence in parenting
• Increase or repair your family's ability to have fun together
• Provide tools the family can use in the future

Filial therapy involves a commitment on your part, please read through the information on the filial therapy page.

For more information about filial therapy or to schedule an initial appointment, please contact Mychelle Moritz, ATR-BC, LPC 971-344-7527 or mychelle@nurturepdx.com

Compassionate Communication Practice Group Update

Join us for a monthly, self-led group to practice compassionate communication, with an emphasis on parenting/family.

The compassionate communication practiced in this group is a communication approach using techniques and ideas inspired by Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. It is a way to communicate peacefully while addressing the needs of everyone involved and models gentle, empathetic, and assertive communication to our children.

This group is self-led, but coordinated and hosted by Nurture (http://www.nurturepdx.com/)

We focus on families who want to support each other with compassion and in giving our children tools in unconditional love and freedom. We are a self-guided group, providing support for each other using discussion, sharing, practice, role play, and the book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson as a guide. We also have an on-line group for additional support throughout the month. Children are welcome to the group. All NVC levels of experience welcome. $2 suggested donation.

We meet on the 4th Monday of each month from 2-3:30pm

at Nurture 1614 NE Alberta St. , Portland , OR 97211

Contact Mychelle at mychelle@nurturepdx.com

For more information and other local resources on Compassionate Communication visit the Oregon Network of Compassionate Communication and Wise Heart. There is also a wonderful NVC parenting series offered in NE Portland called Parenting from the Heart, more info here: http://insideoutschoolhouse.wordpress.com/ and the Portland Unconditional Parenting yahoo group for those who want to connect with others who are parenting respectfully and compassionately: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UP-Portland/

Summer Parenting Workshop Series

Moving Beyond a Difficult Birth:
Embracing Healing and Connecting with Your Baby
Two-part workshop: June 6 & 13, 2-4pm $45
Part One: Healing through Birth Story and Art
Part Two: Connecting Deeply with Your Baby
The experience of birth doesn’t always happen the way we imagine. Intense emotions from a challenging pregnancy or birth can make it feel difficult to be fully present with your baby. These emotions need and deserve to be expressed and acknowledged, before we can allow ourselves to release them and begin true emotional healing. Then we can relax more deeply into a heartfelt, intuitive connection with our children.

So This is What it’s Like to Be a Parent?
Integrating Emotional Wellness with the Realities of Day-to-Day Parenting
July 11, 2-5pm $35
The reality of parenting a child can be frustrating, chaotic, and overwhelming. We may be surprised by the intensity of feelings such as rage, grief, or resentment. Without learning to truly take care of ourselves, it is difficult to move beyond these feelings toward emotional wellness as parents.

Parents are People Too:
Reclaiming Our Personal Expression as Parents
August 22, 2-4pm $30
As a parent, it is so easy to get caught up in the flow of daily obligations, leaving little time or energy for expressing who we are and what captures our imagination. Yet this creative exploration is essential to feeling fulfilled in our lives, which in turn translates into feeling more relaxed and happy in our role as parents.

Join us for all three workshops for $100, sliding scale available.
For more information, visit www.nurturepdx.com/workshops.html
To register, contact Mychelle at 971.344.7527, or Mychelle@nurturepdx.com

About the presenters
Sarah Nuxoll: After several years of feeling frustrated as a parent, I began working toward deeper body-mind clarity and emotional and spiritual healing. Now I feel excited about engaging life, moving with my creativity, and allowing myself to feel happy as a parent. In these workshops, I share insights from my experience as a mother of two, as a spiritual practitioner, and as an apprentice homebirth midwife. I look forward to meeting you!

Mychelle Moritz: Having experienced the beautiful yet challenging transition to parenthood, I have developed a passion for helping women and their growing families. I am an artist, an art therapist, and a licensed professional counselor, as well as the co-founder of Nurture. My two active young children keep me very busy and I enjoy watching their creative antics.

Children's Book: All In a Day

Portland author, Cynthia Rylant, has written a beautiful and poetic, heartfelt carpe diem for all ages. All In a Day reminds us to make the most of each day because each day is beautiful and important in its own right. My children love to read a book first thing in the morning, and I think, in this book, I have found the perfect "wake-up book". I am looking forward to reading it tomorrow morning, it will be a bright and positive message to start off our day.

The illustrations in All In a Day are fabulous and they tell a story, all on their own, featuring a child with beloved companion-chicken, a theme to which many Portlanders can relate. Nikki McClure's paper cut illustrations were the inspiration for Nurture's website design. I am quite moved by her pictures; they are simple, yet at the same time, intricate, and so alive and expressive. I also know that she is a cool mama who lives in Olympia, WA (see below for a short video about her). Be sure to check out her upcoming book, Remember: A Seasonal Record, due out in September 2009.

Childrens Books: A Secret Circus

Kind soul and magical local artist, Johanna Wright, shares a secret with the world in her first children's book, A Secret Circus. Only the sweet little Parisian mice know about the delightful whereabouts and workings of this circus. They sneak out into the night wearing their patchwork finest to make their way to the hidden attraction. They feast on the right circus-y snacks while watching the entertaining acts, and no human is the wiser about the secret spectacle. Johanna's tender paintings illustrate her charming account of the mice's clandestine world.

My children and I adore Johanna, and I would love to live in her paintings. She graciously shared her artwork at Nurture's grand opening last summer and has sprouted a little warmth in our hearts ever since. All last week my son has been exclaiming secret circus discoveries in every parking strip, garden nook, and undergrowth in giddy anticipation of this book. We wonder what Johanna has up her sleeve to wow us with next..."only the mice know"...

crafty/creative family: make garden markers

As spring begins (happy spring to all), we have been finding ourselves drawn to the garden more and more despite the crazy Portland spring weather. Every bit of shining without clouds and every cloudy-yet-dryish chance we get we grab our seeds, boots, and shovels and get out. Playing in the dirt feels so good. I have saved seeds from years past to give my son something to plant when we have run out of seeds that are ready to be planted. He has gardens all over our yard and who knows, maybe we will have an extra bounty this year.

But Portland is Portland, the weather is fickle, and some days we just don't want to tough it out through a hail storm. While we are indoors, art projects are the next best thing to freely being messy in the dirt. Making garden markers is an activity that ties together two of our favorite activities!

What you will need:

• tongue depressors or Popsicle sticks or something similar (the wider the better)
• medium sized smooth rocks also make cool markers
• paint/water proof markers
• sealant that can withstand the elements

optional:

• ribbon, yarn, etc.
• beads
• glue that can withstand the elements
• pictures from magazines, etc.
• bendable wire
• bits, scraps, toys, etc.

Decorate the garden markers anyway that you would like. Write the name of the plant, paint a picture of the plant, decoupage a picture of the plant, create symbols of the plant, write a poem, blessing, quote, or thought about the plant...the possibilities are endless.

If you do not have sealant on-hand, you can create plant markers for the indoor starts or houseplants. Other favorite garden markers are random toys/parts of toys and plastic animal figurines to "keep watch" over the plants.

(pictures coming soon!)

Birth Trauma On-Line Community Support

We have written about birth trauma and the on-line community support, Solace, before. Solace is relaunching their on-line support. Below is a letter from Solace.

We are pleased to announce the Solace for Mothers Friends and Advocates Online Community which provides a forum for those who support mothers who have experienced birth trauma, have been impacted by witnessing birth trauma, or want to connect with others to advocate for gentler birth practices.

Solace for Mothers is committed to providing resources and support to professionals and loved ones supporting women through the difficult emotions following a disappointing, hurtful, or violating birth experience. Spouses, family, and friends of mothers who have experienced traumatic births are offered a space to find information, support, and resources through participation in the Friends and Advocates Forum. Birth attendants are also provided with the opportunity to process their own emotions in response to births they have attended. Birth professionals and birth advocates are provided a space to discuss the causes of birth trauma, how policies and programs can be enacted to prevent trauma from occurring to childbearing mothers, and methods of treatment when trauma has occurred.

The Solace for Mothers Friends and Advocates Online Community welcomes birth activists, mothers, families, and professionals, all of whom are stakeholders in providing healthy, safe, and empowering births that enable families to successfully transition to parenthood. Users of the online community are invited to contemplate and discuss the current state of birth and what evidence based practices best support childbearing women, their babies and families. Advocates who are interested in becoming involved in organized efforts to promote these practices are encouraged to participate and share their thoughts.

The Friends and Advocates Online Community can be entered from www.solaceformothers.org/advocates-forum.html. The forum is made public for browsing and registration is required to post and respond to topics. To view the online community, go to: http://forums.solaceformothers.org/mb/birthtrauma

Mothers are welcome to participate in the Friends and Advocates role but they are invited to register and participate in the Online Community for Healing Birth Trauma (www.solaceformothers.org/forum.html) which provides peer support to women who have had traumatic childbearing experiences. Birth professionals, family members, and friends please respect the privacy of the Community for Healing Birth Trauma and register only for the Friends and Advocates Community.

If you have something to say regarding childbirth and want to be a part of a larger conversation, please join us. We are interested to read your stories, thoughts, hopes and goals for the future! Please also feel free to pass this invitation on to organizations and individuals who would be interested in the topics of birth trauma and improving maternity care.

Warmly,

Sharon Storton, Founder of Solace for Mothers, Inc.

Jenne Alderks, Creator and Moderator of Online Communities

Jennifer Zimmerman, Creator and Moderator of Online Communities

crafty/creative family: make a terrarium

Terrariums are fun to create, educational, easy, and children love them.

You will need:

• a jar (glass or plastic) with a tight-fitting lid
• gravel
• charcoal (must be activated charcoal--can be found at most nurseries)
• sand
• moss or peat
• loose dirt/potting soil
• small hardy plants (water-loving)
• small objects for decoration

Start by cleaning the jar thoroughly. Add the gravel about 1/4 inch to cover the bottom. Add about the same amount of charcoal as you did the gravel. Combine the sand, moss/peat, and dirt and put the mixture on top of the charcoal. Add plants and decoration. We added moss on top of the dirt between the plants. Water the plants. Put the lid on...and that is it! You do not have to water it or do any other maintenance except an occasional pruning.

Succulent and/or cactus terrariums can be made with more sand in the soil-mix and no lid. This type of terrarium will need to be watered but not very often.

Baby Blues Connection Aftercare Group

I volunteer for the Baby Blues Connection, a wonderful organization that provides mother-to-mother support for postpartum mood disorders.

Baby Blues Connection is excited about expanding their mom-to-mom services! They are bringing back their group that supports mothers as they face the challenges of motherhood after postpartum.

Our Aftercare Groups are right for you if you:

• have a child older than 12 months,
• would like continuing support after 'graduating' from new mom group,
• or if you're pregnant again after recovering from a postpartum mood disorder.

If you have questions about attending, especially about time and location, please call their phone line and let them know. These numbers are also the numbers to call if you need support.

Oregon: 503-797-2843
Washington: 360-735-5571

Force of Nature

Vicky York passed the news about this wonderful play...
Actress, storyteller, and postpartum doula, Carole Groobman performs thirteen characters in a play about the social, political and cultural issues of childbirth. Force of Nature, written and performed by Carole Groobman, directed by Kathleen Edwards, will be at Lewis and Clark College, Council Chamber on March 12, 2009 at 1:15 p.m. and includes a post-show panel starting at 2:15 p.m. It is free to the public. For more information: visit www.lclark.edu/dept/gender or call 503-768-7678

Join Us

Join us for an open house celebration
March 14th
3pm-5pm

Special treats include:

• food
• chair massage
• Reiki
• friendly conversation
• family art activity (make a mini wood doll family)

Raffled goodies include gift certificates for:

• Milagros Boutique
• Campbell Salgado Studios
• Grasshopper
• SCRAP
• Nurture (2)

A Doula Story

Doulas mother mothers in their journey into motherhood in so many ways beyond labor support. Loretha Weisinger works tirelessly to support young mothers throughout their pregnancies, labors, and postpartum to become the mothers that they really want to be. When I saw a link to this movie, A Doula Story on Citizens for Midwifery's blog, I felt compelled to share it. It is free to watch on-line and is about an hour long. It is such a touching story, I really hope you have a chance to watch it. Loretha is an amazing woman, so full of tenderness, understanding, and strength. She has taken her personal experience and used it as a source of energy for the work that she does.

From Black Public Media's Website, a description of the film:

A Doula Story
Produced by Danny Alpert
A Doula Story documents one African American woman’s fierce commitment to empower pregnant teenagers with the skills and knowledge they need to become confident, nurturing mothers. Produced by The Kindling Group, a Chicago-based nonprofit organization, this powerful film follows Loretha Weisinger back to the same disadvantaged Chicago neighborhood where she once struggled as a teen mom. Loretha uses patience, compassion and humor to teach “her girls” about everything from the importance of breastfeeding and reading to their babies, to communicating effectively with health care professionals.

Rollercoaster of Life

I saw this movie, Parenthood, long before I was a parent myself. This particular scene moves me. I think about it from time to time, especially now that I am a mother. The wonderful thing about rollercoasters is: even if you are in the seat alone, there is someone in front of you, behind you, or both...it is a shared experience with many others, the cars are all connected. That was a helpful thought in labor; that other women, somewhere in the world, were also laboring. It is a comfort as I parent, that others are riding the waves of mothering. There are so many ways to parent, but we are all connected by the emotional experience of parenting. Here is to enjoying the ride...

Body Image Once Again

My daughter loves my belly. She hugs it, pokes it, pats it, zerberts it, cuddles it, pinches it, and checks-in with it throughout the day and at night. She likes to have as much contact with it as possible. It has become her teddy bear, her blankie, her lovie, if you will.

My daughter has also recently discovered and learned to identify her own belly. Now her own belly brings her joy. It is a tender sweetness that fills my heart as I watch the sheer thrill on her face as she lifts up her shirt, points to and rubs her beautiful toddler belly. How I long to preserve this love for her knowing that, in our culture, the odds are stacked against that preservation.

I know that the cultural change for my daughter starts with me. As she kneads my pizza dough belly and then rests her cheek there, I wonder if she remembers her first home. I wonder if it feels or sounds familiar to her. Those wonderings remind me of the fact that she grew in my body. My body fed her, kept her safe, and soothed her for many months. And after she was born, my body continued to feed her, keep her safe, and soothe her. Those are powerful thoughts that bring powerful feelings of awe and respect for my body that I had not experienced prior to having children. I have written about postpartum body image in the past; I suspect this topic will surface again in some other form in the future. What a gift of self-appreciation my children have given to me. I am glad my daughter continues to remind me.

Be Nourished has an upcoming workshop on pregnancy and postpartum body image. I know it will be a fabulous workshop because I know Hilary (one of the co-facilitators), and she is a fabulous person. If you know her, you know what I am talking about.

Belly, Body, Baby and Beyond: A Body Image Workshop for Pregnant or
Postpartum Women (1 day) This workshop is designed specifically for the changes women experience during pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum. It is in this delicate time that we connect with the power of nature to create new life. We watch our body change, prepare ourselves for what is needed, and as our identity shifts, it can impact our ability to care for and know ourselves. Discuss how we can use this time to create a healthy, lasting image of ourselves. This workshop will be co-facilitated by Dana and Hilary (who is expecting her first baby April 20th). Cost: $125.00 Sunday, March 15, 10:00am- 4:00pm Zenana Spa and Wellness Center 2024 SE Clinton Street Portland, OR 97202 To register please click here.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

When is the last time you had a fall on the floor, gasp for air, snort, cry, tummy burning kind-of laugh? The kind-of laugh that is happy in a cathartic way. Sometimes it seems that those laughs are fewer and farther between now that my social life events have given way to being with my parenting life. Although, I must say, my children do make me laugh quite a bit, and they give me a lot more material to laugh about when I am with my friends. Still, it has been awhile since I had an all-out laughisode.

Monthly at Airplay Café, there will be something to laugh about...

NEW COMEDY SHOW GIVES MOMS A TIME OUT
Local moms wanted to join the showPortland, Oregon - After issuing time
out's all day to small children, the one person who really needs a time out is
mom. Airplay Café (701E. Burnside, Portland, OR) and local comedian and mother
of two, Jacki Sturkie, are putting together the mother of all comedy shows
designedto give moms a break and encourage much-needed camaraderie: TIME OUT:THE MAMALOGUES.

The show will start off at 7 pm with stand-up, then open the stage for moms to tell their stories. Every mom who shares a story will win awonderful parting gift. Jacki will pepper stand-up in between"mamalogues." The "headliner" at the end of the show will be a momcelebrity sharing her story, performing music or doing a reading

Each show will feature a theme:

Friday, January 16th, 7-8:30 pm
Holiday Horrors Recovery Night
Did your kids point out your Aunt Martha's anatomically correct sex parts at Thanksgiving dinner? Tell us your stories and we guaranteeyou'll feel better that the holidays won't strike again for another year.

Thursday, February 12th, 7-8:30 pm
Honey, I Shrunk My Libido
Sex. Where did it go after you had kids? If your laundry gets more action than you do (Ever notice how it reproduces in the hamper?), then this show is for you. If you found your libido, by all means –tell us how!

Thursday, March 12th, 7-8:30 pm
What Not to Wear: The Toddler Edition
Unleash your most embarrassing kid stories. The one with the most bite, or punch, wins.

Thursday, April 16th, 7-8:30 pm
Motherhood: Extreme Makeover
It's a baby! It's extra weight! It's the Incredible Morphing Body! They say after having kids everything changes. Well, duh. Things thatwere supposed to go back didn't. What do you do now? Laugh about it.

Thursday, May 14th, 7-8:30 pm
Cinco de Mom-o
Your mother! Five stories of downloading motherhood angst – whether it's about your mother or your mothering.

Thursday, June 11th, 7-8:30 pm
I Was a High School…
What Were You Anyway?Has dropping off your kid at school caused flashbacks from yourchildhood? Do share! Telling your story can be as sweet as revenge.

Tickets for TIME OUT: THE MAMALOGUES are available throughbrownpapertickets.com or at the door. Moms interested in participating inthe show should email: jsturkie@gmail.com.

About Airplay CaféOpened by Patti Jagger and her musician husband Andy Simon, AirplayCafé has a split personality. By day, Airplay offers a casual, comfortable setting where kids romp and parents relax. At night, the lights go dim and the casual setting goes more minimalist modern with live music acts and other events. A barista is on hand to serve upcoffee, wine, beer on tap, bistro fare and unique desserts.

About Jacki SturkieJacki Sturkie is a Portland mom, stand-up comedian, and owner of SassMouth Cards, greeting cards that take on life as a jaded mom. In her former life, Jacki worked as a copywriter and stand-up comic, but quitdoing when she got tired of living out of her car. Jacki also writes Daily SASSfirmations (a not-so inspirational blog at http://www.sassfirmations.blogspot.com/), runs an industrial design firm with her husband(foundry3d.com), and tries to keep her two small children from impaling themselves onhousehold objects.

St. John's Swap -n- Play

Have you ever had an experience when you wish for something and then, a few days later, there it is? I had one recently...

A few months ago I heard about the Sunnyside Swap Shop and wished out loud that we had one in our area. About a month or so later, I was walking by a shop near my house and in the window there was a sign announcing the opening of Swap-n-Play in St. John's! The open house was scheduled for January 10th! This was most exciting news to me...news that I had meant to post on this blog, but life is so full and busy, it just escaped me.

I almost missed the open house, but I thankfully ran into a friend who reminded me just in time and I made it before it was over.

Not only was I impressed with the program's structure, but I also met several parents with whom I am looking forward to spending more time there.

A naked baby (family) party, an indoor park, a household tool library, and a community center all in one...just what I need to get through the rest of the winter...just when I needed it, as the longing for spring seems to be here a month early this year.

Check out the Swap -n- Play. If you are interested in swapping toys and clothes, but just can't commit to a program right now, join us on January 18th for Nurture's Naked Baby Party. Of course, you can always do both!

Orgasmic Birth will be on 20/20 Tonight

Passed on from the Big Push for Midwives who passed it on from the Coalition for Improving Maternity Services (CIMS) e-news...pass it on...

Orgasmic Birth will be a featured segment on ABC's 20/20 tonight (Friday, Jan. 2) at 10:00 pm Eastern. Filmmaker and former CIMS Leadership Team member Debra Pascali-Bonaro presents the ultimate challenge to our cultural myths by inviting viewers to see the emotional, spiritual, and physical heights attainable through unmedicated normal birth. In this revolutionary documentary, physiologic childbirth is revealed as an integral part of women's sexuality and a neglected human right. Learn more about the segment on the ABC News Web site.

Carol Gray wrote a blog post about ecstatic/orgasmic birth with a wonderful explanation of physiology-side of all of it.

I haven't seen this movie yet, but I am glad that after many reschedules the 20/20 segment is finally going to air tonight.

Speaking of Stories

Karen Garland-Kidder and Joni James of A Perfect Birth in Maine are putting together a book of collected stories by and about mothers meeting their babies: birth sotries, fertility stories, adoption stories, and so on.

Here is what they say:

Mir·a·cle-
Any amazing or wonderful occurrence; a marvelous event manifesting a supernatural act as a divine agent.

When a woman births her child in whichever way her body chooses, it cannot be called anything but a miracle. To embrace your birth, whether you planned for a vaginal birth and your body chose a caesarean or going into labor you told yourself “no drugs” , but at the last minute your body cried out for relief, it is nothing less than your miracle, your birth, your moment of motherhood.

A woman comes to define herself by her birth. It is the moment that she becomes “Mother”. Over the last decade, the movement toward natural and mother-led childbirth has led us to a beautiful embrace of a woman’s natural abilities. With this transition, however has also come pressure to birth naturally, both from the woman herself and also from society. When a woman fails to obtain her “perfect birth”, it often leads to regret, depression and a feeling of inadequacy.

Our purpose is to allow women to share their birth stories, to work through them, embrace them, and then share them with the world so that all can see that birth is not defined by one woman’s experience but by the community of the mothers of the world. To show women that there is perfection in each and birth.

We would like to invite you to join us in creating a book of compiled birth stories. Our purpose in writing this book is to examine the different ways that children come into our lives. We would like to include a diverse collection of stories from c-sections, adoptions, vaginal births, fertility issues, unique labor experiences and any other birth stories that tell a tale of mother and child uniting.

If you or someone you know may be interested in submitting a story, please feel free to copy and distribute the following information. We are exited to share with the world the stories that make each birth perfect and unique.

Thank you for helping us on this journey to help encourage women to embrace their
births!

~For more information or for a release form to participate, please feel free to send us an email. a_perfect_birth@yahoo.com

Story Time

I love stories. I believe we all have stories to tell...stories about our lives and experiences that affect us. Stories connect our hearts to our minds, ourselves to our communities, our generation to past and future generations, and stories can be very healing when shared in a supportive space. When I work with mothers, I am interested in the stories they have to tell about their past and present experiences and their hopes for the future. I am interested in what the stories hold, remind, evoke, and how they evolve over time. I also love illustrated stories...stories illustrated in any medium. Art therapy provides a powerful way to share, externalize, and see your story on a deeper level. Insight can be gained from sharing your story. As wisdom grows, the story evolves and heals. You cannot change your experiences, but your story about your experience can change and heal. You do not have to be a writer or an artist; the power of expressing your story is enough.

If you love to listen to stories too, check out Back Fence PDX on December 10th. Back Fence PDX is:

"...a rambunctious storytelling series dedicated to finding multiple viewpoints on a singular theme. Stories are true, raw, and performed without memorization, or notes and must be no longer than six minutes in length. We seek all manner of people — the very young, the very old, the odd and the passionate, the specialists and the wanderers and the curious — to tell their narratives, keeping the series unconventional and accessible."

Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting After Abuse

When I was pregnant with my first child in 1999, I was a part of an online support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It gave me so much strength at a very vulnerable time. My abuser was trying to reestablish contact with me after a few years of estrangement, since I had just moved closer to where he lived. I was not handling that well! The support group helped me recognize and establish boundaries. Seeing what other women did to make those boundaries effective, and having the support of my counselor, helped me have safe and sane results in that distressing situation.

Since about one out of three women are abused by the time they are eighteen, and a number of them have children later on in life, there are many survivors potentially dealing with the effects of abuse while they are childbearing. As a survivor mom, doula and childbirth educator, I am in a well-suited position to support these remarkable mothers. Not all women who experience trauma in their lives will struggle during the childbearing season, but for many, the experiences of pregnancy, birth and parenthood can precipitate intense reactions.

There are as many reasons for this as there are women who experience it. In regards to birth, I think that the intimate and sexual nature of childbirth can create a sense of vulnerability for a woman and when it is combined with the mainstream variety of obstetric care most women in the US receive, it can easily generate an atmosphere conducive to a traumatic response from a laboring mother.

The sensations, smells and sounds of birth alone can cause a survivor to be pulled back or triggered into an abusive memory and even forget that she is giving birth. Some women space out or leave their bodies. It is imperative that a survivor mother be treated with gentleness, respect and sensitivity. She needs to be given a sense of control during prenatal care, birth and postpartum. Every mother deserves this, but a survivor mother may be even more negatively affected without this quality of care.

It can be very perplexing for a care provider who is unaware of these issues to assist a mother who is experiencing a traumatic reaction. They might think that she is too demanding, controlling or emotional to deal with and in some cases too sensitive or unstable. Sometimes, like when I was in labor, the mother doesn’t even know why she is experiencing the sensations she is. I knew I was abused, but had no idea that it would affect my birth journeys, or my life as a mother of three girls for that matter!

At each stage of parenthood, I have revisited my abuse from a wider and different lens. When my children reached the age of my first remembered abuse, I asked myself how anyone could even imagine mistreating an innocent, defenseless child the way I was treated. There are so many layers and complexities to this and so much support is needed as we try our best to not allow our pasts to pollute our futures.

There is still so much to learn about the effects of childhood trauma on childbearing women, but current research shows that the stress often takes its toll on the mother and baby. Through the support group I belonged to, I heard of a book that was emerging as a result of the work of Mickey Sperlich CPM, MA and Julia Seng CNM, PhD. Survivor Mom’s: Women’s Stories of Birthing, Mothering and Healing after Sexual Abuse. It contains the most recent research on the subject and includes narratives that provide an earnest voice to the work. I was able to add my own experiences to the stories and research after I gave birth to my daughter in 2000, and the book launched in May of 2008.

More than anything, I want to share resources and be an advocate for survivor moms. I want us to have the best outcomes possible. It is good to know we are not alone and there is a greater awareness and openness about sexual abuse than in the past. It is good to know that there are more effective and safe healing modalities and therapies than ever before. It is good to know that our children can be a part of our own restoration. My daughters have helped me heal and become more grounded. They have also drawn me to my life’s work.

There are numerous books relating to the recovery of sexual abuse, but very few on mothers specifically. I hope that more resources become available to us since we have so much potential to reverse this course. We know what we are protecting our children from and the damage that abuse can cause. Many of us can use our talents to help heal and bring understanding to others and set a positive example for our kids. May we harness the pain and passion inside us, and respond in a curative way to the benefit of our children and the children yet to come.

General Recovery:
Outgrowing the Pain

by Eliana Gil

Outgrowing the Pain Together

by Eliana Gil (for partners)

The Courage to Heal

by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

Allies in Healing

by Laura Davis (for partners)

Survivor Mothers:
Survivor Mom’s: Women’s Stories of Birthing, Mothering and Healing after Sexual Abuse

by Mickey Sperlich CPM, MA and Julia Seng CNM, PhD
http://www.squidoo.com/survivormoms

We Can Break the Cycle: A Mother’s Handbook for Sexual Abuse Survivors

by Marge Grevatt (this is a publication from the Center for Cooperative Action 216.651.1266)

When Survivors Give Birth: Understanding and Healing the Effects of Early Sexual Abuse on Childbearing Women

by Penny Simkin and Phyllis Klaus

**
Margret Crawford, CD (DONA), CCCE lives in Brooklyn, NY with her husband Jimmy, and their three exceptional daughters. She is an aspiring writer, Certified Childbirth Educator, Birth and Postpartum Doula. Visit http://thejoyofbirth.com/. This essay was posted with permission from the author.

**

Mychelle Moritz, ATR-BC, LPC at Nurture provides counseling, emotional birth preparation, and support in processing a difficult birth experience for mothers and mothers-to-be who have a history of abuse. You can reach Mychelle at (971) 344-7527 or mychelle@nurturepdx.com